Personal Stories
By
Phil Coupe
Phil Coupe is the executive director
of The Saltwater Institute, a nonprofit educational foundation
focused on creating values-centered leaders, systems, and
cultures. He is also the creator of Water Corps, a program
to expose at-risk youth to positive environments while providing
them with job training and social interaction skills.
"Of those to whom much is given, much is
required." Those simple words changed my life, leading me
to become a mentor to at-risk, disadvantaged children. When,
about 10 years ago, I came across those words in a speech
by John F. Kennedy
1
, I decided
I had an obligation to make an inventory of the major gifts
I had received in life: a loving family; a comfortable,
middle-class upbringing; a first-rate college education;
and modest financial success. Much indeed had been given
to me, which made it easy to decide to become a "big brother."
The wonderful paradox I've discovered about
mentoring is that the mentor benefits from the relationship
just as much as the mentee. This is one of many revelations
that have come from my experiences working with boys living
in group homes and in foster care situations. I have also
discovered that mentoring presents its own unique set of
challenges, particularly around the issues of money, values,
and relationships.
I know that the gift of my time is more
valuable in the world than the gift of money or material
objects. This concept, however, can be much harder to grasp
for a 10-year-old boy who-as has sometimes been the case
with my mentees- has become intimate with feelings of want,
due to the lack of both love and material things in his
life. As a big brother, I want to give to my little brother
in every way possible, without having gifts of money and
material objects supersede my gifts of time, energy, and
love.
Over time, I have learned how to walk this
tightrope. One important lesson has been to be mindful that
money can have an overpowering effect that harms a relationship
indirectly. For example, it is easy to hurt the feelings
of a mother and/or father if my gifts are so extravagant
that they diminish what the parents might be trying to do
for special occasions like birthdays and holidays. Then,
not only can the parents' relationship with their child
be undermined, but the parents may become less supportive
of my relationship with my mentee as well.
The greatest danger, for me, has been the
temptation to allow material gifts to dominate our relationship
as a result of my failure to balance material gifts and
gifts of time. Although I want to bring a nice gift or take
my little brother to something that costs money every time
we meet, I have to exercise restraint and make sure that
our bond is grounded in the deeper relationship that comes
from spending quality time engaged in activities like biking,
hiking, playing basketball, or working on homework. Even
though my little brother could always use something new
(shoes, a coat, clothes, a bike, toys, etc.), I've found
it important to remember that the non-material stuff will
be of much greater value to him in the long run.
With JFK's words etched in my mind, community
service is a personal value that I strive to keep at the
top of my priority list every day. Money, of course, can
be a great tool in this regard, because it has enormous
power to create positive social change. At the same time,
in my own mentor/mentee relationships, I've found it wise
to be attentive to those places where money and community
service overlap, because money can also create unintended
consequences that undermine the social value of my intentions.
1
Editor's Note: President Kennedy's statement is based on a
passage from the Bible (Luke 12:48).
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