A
conversation with Dennis Pearne
External
Sources of Conflict
In my
practice, I hear two main sources of conflict about the question
of how open to be about wealth. I categorize these as external
and internal. Externally, people with wealth face a lot of
realities that come from biases in our culture. Our culture
has a love-hate relationship with wealth. Most people think
it would be great to win the lottery; at the same time, they
resent people who are rich. Rarely have I talked to someone
who has come into wealth who hasn't told me that their personal
relationships changed dramatically after family and friends
knew they were wealthy. Attitudes toward them often shifted
either to resentment or greed, one or the other. To avoid
experiencing that, people tend to isolate themselves.
Internal Sources of Conflict
Internal conflicts about money often have
to do with shame. In our culture, money is associated with
something dirty or impure. In the Bible, for example, a well-known
passage says it is easier for a camel to pass through the
eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven. In twentieth-century
psychoanalysis, money, when it appeared in dreams, was equated
to dirt and feces. This shame is an international and historical
problem, not just a current problem of American culture.
Internal conflict is often exacerbated by people's individual
psychology. People who grew up with harsh and shaming parents,
or who experienced trauma, abuse, or neglect, may carry
shame as part of their ongoing emotional structure. Then
when the money comes along, the shame gets attached to the
money. For example, I had a client who was both an inheritor
and a very successful businessperson. Although she was very
generous with her money philanthropically, and with her
friends and family, she could not spend it on herself. She
could not buy even an averaged-priced winter coat and did
not understand why. As we explored her history, she learned
she was a survivor of sexual abuse. As we untangled her
feelings of shame and undeservingness in therapy, she became
more able to spend on herself and be more open about her
wealth.
Socio-politically, of course, there are legitimate reasons
to resent abusive and domineering upper classes who, politically
or economically, have made things hard on people with less
money. However, there is no legitimate reason to transfer
anger toward a class of people to a single individual, and
that is what people with wealth often face. When someone
with wealth experiences shame or guilt for what their socioeconomic
class has done to others, this compounds any other individually
based shame they may be experiencing. In such cases, I suggest
that people work with their emotions so that they can be
clear about what is motivating their actions-their genuine
political views and values, or undeserved feelings.
Two
Approaches: Educational and Therapeutic
There
can be both positive and negative motivations for being open
or private about wealth. For example, the desire to avoid
harassment is healthy and may lead some to be more private
about their wealth. Others may find practical solutions to
avoid the same problem and choose to be more open. People
have different personality styles, which may lead them to
different choices, and that needs to be respected.
When the majority of the issue comes from
external sources, the approach can be more educationally
based. For example, a woman may be hesitant to tell her
fiancé her net worth because that may lead to a pre-nuptial
agreement. The fiancé likely will have given no thought
to that. How will the agreement be structured? What are
relevant laws regarding ownership of wealth once they're
married? These kinds of consequences can be anticipated
and prepared for. When more of the issue comes from internal
sources, an educational approach may be insufficient and
people may need a more therapeutic approach.
In my view, the goal is to make the most
conscious and integrated choices you can with your money,
so that the way you use your money is the greatest possible
expression of your true being.
Dennis Pearne, Ed.D.
, is a wealth
counselor and consultant. Trained as a clinical psychologist,
he helps individuals, couples, families, and family businesses
deal with their emotional relationships to their wealth.
Here, he discusses some of the challenges people commonly
face when deciding how open to be about their wealth.
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